


Not Something To Be Afraid Of

by oinenmokotin



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e03 The Nightmare Begins, Gen, No Druids Were Harmed In The Making Of A Main Character's Self Discovery, episode rewrite
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-03-27 10:35:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13879065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oinenmokotin/pseuds/oinenmokotin
Summary: The night Merlin brings Morgana a potion as a ruse to tell her about the druids, the two of them stop to think about the consequnces before acting, and make a plan instead.





	1. Night: Morgana

She is going to last the night, and tomorrow everything will change.  
  
Morgana huddles in the dark like she is ten years old and her bedchamber unfamiliar all over again. She tries not to concentrate on anything for long, for fear the shadows will leap at her when they see her looking. She doesn't feel any less convinced that they will, over a decade later.  
  
She wishes she had asked Gwen to stay after all, but the poor girl deserves some rest after all the sleep she has already given up to guard hers. She wishes she could have asked Merlin. But against the rattling of the drawers and the crack in her mirror that has spread more each time she glances at it, instead of more arms to cling to she has his promise.  
  
'What about the druids? They help people like you,' he said, and despite dismissing it she was both glad and terrified to hear the words spoken out loud. There really is a 'people like you' for her and she isn't the only one who thinks that. But how long will it take that Uther, too, thinks that?  
  
'I know where you can find them,' she recites in her head, and thinks she can feel the room settle. 'Tomorrow we'll go to them.'


	2. Morning: Gwen

Gwen has always admired Morgana's determination and ability to make things happen once she decides what should be. As she and Merlin serve the royal family's impromptu shared breakfast, she watches Morgana bounce back from the state that had Gwen worried sick only yesterday, right back to persuading the moon from the sky. Or, as it happens, the King into not interfering with their being about to break his favorite laws—and quite a few of Gwen's promises to herself—in a matter of hours.  
  
"Are you sure a whole day out by yourself is what is best for you right now?" the King words his having already decided it isn't. "I didn't want to worry you, Morgana, but I should let you know the fire seems very likely to have been—"  
  
"Just the reason I need some fresh air," Morgana interrupts him, and puts down and picks up again her fork twice before she next speaks. "I should have said something, too, but it was embarrassing. Now I see I have worried you unnecessarily. I haven't slept well, I'm sure is no secret. I knocked the candle over myself pacing my chambers in the dark."  
  
"You caused the fire?" says Arthur, loud enough that behind him Merlin almost drops his pitcher. "I had people arrested and all along it was you being clumsy?"  
  
"I told you it was embarrassing," Morgana shoots back, and turns to the King. "For that matter I didn't ask for anyone to be arrested! I appreciate your concern, but I'm afraid there has been nothing to protect me from this time."  
  
"These people have been suspected of sorcery before, it is only a matter of time before they give reason to arrest them anyway," he mistakes for comforting her. "Especially with you out there defenceless I feel more at ease with them where they are."  
  
"If it worries you to let me have a picnic with my maidservant practically in the castle's backyard, I can bring a sword," Morgana scoffs, and Gwen notes with disappointment that freeing people locked away with no evidence against them is a battle that has been pushed to be fought only after this one has been won. "I'm far from defenceless with that, no matter that the knights are too insecure in their masculinity to let me prove just how far."  
  
"The knights have a training schedule tightly regulated by what has been shown to yield the best results, no matter how much you wish it to reserve time just for amusing you, Morgana," Arthur says absently, and clearly not for the first time to that argument, and gestures for Merlin to fill his cup.  
  
"And amuse me it certainly would," Morgana throws in his direction with the same practice. "If you insist it's a man we need with us, don't worry, that is already arranged." She looks up across the table and behind Arthur with a grin. "Merlin here will be joining us."  
  
Arthur's surprised sputtering might be satisfying to witness if it didn't have potential to ruin their plans. Merlin had told them he had informed Arthur, when the three of them had met in Morgana's chambers before the breakfast. Gwen bites her lip and catches Arthur's eye before he can say anything too disasterous, pleading with him not to make himself an obstacle.  
  
"Oh, Arthur, you're half asleep, yourself," Morgana salvages. "I'm sure Gaius told you. My frequent need of sleeping draughts has exhausted his supplies, and as his apprentice, Merlin is the one most qualified for recognizing and harvesting the herbs he needs replenished. I know you think you can't manage a second without his doting care, but picking up after you is not his only job. He need not go far, but it will most likely take the day. Gwen and I will simply have our picnic where he is going."  
  
The King looks at Merlin down his nose. "Is the boy any good with a sword? From the looks of him you'll be the one protecting him."  
  
Arthur snorts, but to Gwen's surprise wipes the smirk off his face and clears his throat at a look from her. "Father, I know he doesn't look like much..."  
  
This time it's Merlin who gives him a look. The smirk returns for a moment.  
  
"But Merlin must have picked up more than my armour for cleaning, from watching the knights' training," Arthur continues. "I'm sure you remember how last summer his mother came to Camelot asking for help against the bandits terrorizing her village."  
  
Gwen is sure that the King doesn't, but she sees him nod.  
  
"We couldn't spare men on account of that the village lies in Cenred's kingdom, but Merlin went back with his mother to fight them. All on his own." Arthur looks to Morgana as he says the last part, and she eagerly nods along to what as far as the King knows happened, at a time she wasn't so closely watched and could actually disappear for days. "He came back in one piece, and we haven't heard a word of the bandits since."  
  
The King actually looks so close to impressed that Gwen dreads to think of the amount of chores waiting for Merlin for that when they get back.  
  
"Very well, but have some of the guards accompany you as well," the King says and returns to his food, but at this rate it'll go cold before he gets to finish it.  
  
Morgana can't leave it at that; it's the need for an escort that led them to decide against the more plausibly time-consuming pilgrimage to Lord Gorlois's grave, after all. "With the rate people keep escaping the dungeons despite being guarded, I hope you'll forgive me for trusting my own sword hand more."  
  
"Morgana," the King warns her, whether to not insult his men or to remember her own hand at people he views as threats getting out of the dungeons.  
  
"I could spare one of the knights," Arthur, bless him, suggests, but it's still not the kind of help they can take.  
  
"Oh, I wouldn't want to disrupt their tight schedule," Morgana says like she is still teasing.  
  
"Nonsense, I can come with you myself," Arthur offers, and Gwen really wants to hug him for trying to help when he can tell this is important to them despite not understanding exactly why. And for actually seeming a little sore at being left out. It would be nice, all four of them spending time together, and she wishes they could tell him and have him help at what they're actually doing. Obviously now is not the time to gauge his willingness to lend a hand to the real cause, though. It's another battle to be fought later.  
  
"Thank you, but I'm sure we'll be fine," Morgana all but orders him. To the King she turns a wide-eyed smile. "We will not be going far, and the only threat to my wellbeing right now is my troubles sleeping. Gaius has specifically recommended fresh air and a change of scenery from being cooped up in my chambers all day. It'll be much more relaxing with the company being people I know and whom I know I'm not inconveniencing."  
  
"Being at the King's ward's disposal is not an inconvenience to people at the King's service, Morgana," he scolds her, but his expression is soft. "But I trust your judgement. I only wish for you to get better, and it is good to see you feeling so well already. You shall have your picnic without distractions."  
  
Morgana's smile could melt stone.  
  
After the meal Arthur intercepts them right outside the dining hall before they go their separate ways.  
  
"I thought I'd let you know, my father has ordered me to have two guards trail you from a distance," he whispers, and Morgana is about to argue, when he continues, "I'm not going to, but you owe me." He turns to Merlin and whispers something from which Gwen can make out the words 'polish' and 'all of them', after which he simply nods Gwen a polite greeting and stomps off.

Gwen walks with Morgana to her chambers to prepare, her fingers twisting the edges of her sleeves to keep from trembling. It would not do to look anxious, they are supposed to be going out for light-hearted fun, after all. She knows that as a servant she is as good as invisible, but she isn't to other servants, and she isn't to Arthur. She hopes he couldn't tell.

Morgana having strange powers that frighten her and which she can't explain isn't news to her. Sometimes she wonders if she is invisible enough to Morgana that she thinks it is. But they have rarely discussed it, and never without reservation, avoiding saying out loud the word they are both thinking. She understands Morgana must feel uncertain now of who knows how much, and whom she can trust.

With all she has gone through as a consequence of magic, Gwen feels like she should be more cautious not to get involved in this, as much as she does want Morgana to get the help she needs. But with each step, she needs to remind herself not to rush—towards the relative safety of Morgana's chambers, towards leaving the castle, towards getting somewhere she need not rely on being invisible.

She is afraid of magic, but perhaps she is afraid of the punishment for being caught associating with it more.


	3. Morning: Merlin

Merlin is just out the door to his bedroom, with his bag packed and a letter in his hand explaining what to lie on his behalf, when Gaius comes in through the door at the other side of the main chamber. His eyebrow is already raised.  
  
"Gaius—" Merlin starts to say, but this is a conversation he really did not want to have again, except on paper.  
  
"Arthur seems under the impression I'm giving you an excuse to laze about, and encouraging your hopeless infatuation with Lady Morgana," Gaius says in a voice that declares they are going to have that conversation, and that he will not be lied to.  
  
"You didn't... Please tell me you—wait, infatuation?"  
  
Gaius frowns. "You're lucky his sense of something being off latched onto that explanation. And of course I supported your story, it hardly seems safe otherwise, but I do not support whatever it is you're planning. I told you not to get involved."  
  
"Yes, you did," Merlin is quick to reply. Despite his frustration, he isn't yelling. It hasn't been long since his outburst about the number of his chores, and he doesn't think another would go over as well so soon. In any case, this is more important than having to clean the leech tank too often. "But I can't just abandon her no matter what you or the Dragon or anyone says. She's my friend, and she's like me, and she would help me, too, if it were the other way around!"  
  
"The Dragon told you the same, then?" Gaius asks more quietly, reminding Merlin, too, that as safe as the tower is for speaking freely without being overheard, with some topics you can't be too careful.  
  
Merlin shrugs, but he is eager to get out of talking about that for more reasons than limited time. "He's lied to me before, that doesn't mean anything." Gaius isn't physically blocking his way, but dismissing him by simply leaving feels wrong. "I have to do something."  
  
Gaius gives the bag a pointed look. "And what exactly is it you are doing?"  
  
"I'm taking Morgana to the Forest of Essetir to meet the druids," Merlin says, fingers clenching tighter around the letter he is still holding. He is defying his mentor's express instrustions—both his mentors'—but his mind is made up.  
  
"You're putting everything at risk," Gaius warns him. "I've carefully kept her from being discovered for years, more people knowing is dangerous."  
  
"You won't even acknowledge to her that she has magic, let alone help her with it," Merlin argues. Perhaps he should have just walked out, after all. He doesn't want to be at odds with Gaius. But he can't understand how Gaius thinks letting Morgana be alone and scared with this, thinking she is imagining the strange things happening to her instead of getting an explanation, will help her, and he does want to believe Gaius at least wants to help her. If only he could make him understand. "Where would _I_ be if I had no one to guide me?"  
  
"And where will you be if you are discovered consorting with the druids, teaching the King's ward magic?" Gaius says like he expects that to make him see the foolishness of this plan. "Merlin, I can't protect you from everything."  
  
Under different circumstances Gaius's concern for him would be touching, might be enough to make him reconsider and believe it's for the best. "I can't abandon her to protect myself," he says instead. "What good is my magic if I can't help people I care about?"  
  
"Sometimes you can't help someone as much as you wish to," Gaius says, and coming from a physician it certainly holds weight.  
  
But Merlin knows too much about losing people to more than illness or injury, and about the cost of living as a sorcerer under the King's nose. "Is that what you told Edwin Muirden's parents?" he asks.  
  
Gaius is silent and his eyes have gone wide, and Merlin almost wants to take it back.  
  
Outside the window the light has shifted well past sunrise and into early day, and they have a long trek ahead of them. Merlin doesn't know how to make this alright, and he doesn't have time to if they are to still make it back by tonight. One wrong to right has to be let go now.  
  
"She's not going to end up like him," he says, puts the letter down on a table like he was going to and hefts the bag's straps higher on his shoulders, and walks out.


End file.
